Coming out of the closet should elicit only positive emotions and memories. I've always found the coming-out stories of others profound, and hearing that they've recieved unconditional support along the way means to me more than words can tell. Personally, I'll remember the congratulations and well wishes from those who immediately accepted me when I came out to them for the rest of my life.
Beyond recognizing that coming out is a monumentous occasion in its own right, I've gotten plenty of positive feedback regarding the name I tell them to call me, "Merry". If they're kind enough to commend my name, they'll certainly be curious enough to ask why I chose it. This point is when I tell them that it is short for "Maribel", a character from the wider Touhou Project universe who's story resonates with me quite well.[1]
These are some of the life experiences of Maribel Hearn that have found great meaning in relating to them.[2]
Changeability of Strange Dream
"They learned to think that dream and reality are the same thing,
because of the scientists who think as you do.
As mere virtual images seen within the mind, they have incorporated them into reality as a physiological phenomenon.
Outside of subjectivity, there is a believable objectivity. There is absolute truth.
You say subjectivity is the truth? Your words contradict themselves. That theory is mistaken.
As evidence, you dreamed without recognizing your experiences as subjective, didn't you?
Dreams and reality are different. That's why it's possible to make dreams into reality with hard work.
And that's why kids used to be able to smile.
Open your eyes! Dreams are things to be made into reality.
Let's make the world of dreams into reality!"
While not the first Hifuu club story (that honor goes to Ghostly Field Club), Changeability of Strange Dream does a lot of the heavy lifting in describing the state of the outside world and showing Merry's powers in action. It establishes that the world in which our protagonists live in is a gloomy place where children don't smile, and that the stated goal of the Hifuu club is to use Merry's ability to see boundaries to identify rifts they can use to travel to other, perhaps better, worlds.
Merry, subconsciously recognizing that the boundary between the outside world and Gensokyo is malleable, begins to visit the latter in her dreams. She maintains full control of herself during these dreams, which results in her identifying the collapsing boundary between dream and reality. This quickly serves a practical purpose, as it allows her to run away from situations too nightmarish to handle. In moments where it seems that my personal life and the outside world are crumbling around me, where it feels like the odds are stacked against me, I take solace in any reminder that I can create and be myself.
The concept of Gensokyo as a safe haven for the oppressed and forgotten, while popular in headcanons throughout time, did not graduate from subtext to text until long after this CD was released. I would argue that deep down, Merry hopes whatever world she ends up venturing to is more welcoming than the one she comes from. With this not turning out to be the case, Merry resorts to the one place in the outside world that she sees as an adequate safe space: the company of Renko[3]. The two of them have unwavering confidence in each other, and while Renko has an alternative theory as to why Merry is experiencing these things, she crucially does not deny that they happened. This belief in each other, along with the expressions of genuine kindness, carry me forward.
Merry's profession at the end of this story, quoted at the start of the segment, caused me to light up when reading it for the first time. It speaks to my growing confidence that I am who I say I am. It centers the idea of having prevailing faith (that we can build a world where children will smile again). It revels in the fact that the goal should be to put something genuinely special into this world that was not there before.
ZUN accomplished that goal with the Touhou franchise. The special thing I wish to bring into this world is my true self. I long to free the love that had been vaulted away in previously inaccessible recesses of my heart.
Merry's world is our world, and despite everything, it is filled with wonder.
Trojan Green Asteroid
"Wow! This is the inside of the satellite TORIFUNE?"
"Wonderful, isn't it?
You'd have a terribly hard time finding a world like this on Earth."
"It really is just like out of a dream. An isolated paradise, huh."
Magical Astronomy establishes that the future outside world our protagonists live in has commercial space tourism to the moon and back for only the rich and powerful, with heavy implications that this will evolve into space real estate development. This is a pretty blunt assessment of what the common sci-fi trope of commercial space travel would actually be like. The moon as a mirror of the earth is also touched upon frequently; this manifests in the Touhou canon as the Lunar Capital being separated from the parts of the moon humans access by a barrier much like how Gensokyo is separated from the outside world.[4]
This brings us to Renko's thoughts regarding this development: This approach to space exploration seems to have a lot of strict boundaries associated with it. What if we creatively applied Maribel's abilities to cut outside these lines?[5]<
Not only do I think this is genius, I instinctively do this myself. I like to go on hikes in public parks all the time. The official trail maps are just suggestions to me. I see terrain, decide that it is navigable, and head that way, consequences be damned.
Trojan Green Asteroid shows Renko and Maribel doing exactly this. Rather than any celestial body, they descend upon TORIFUNE, a space station with an artificial ecosystem that had since been abandoned by humans, left to its own devices.
Merry first visits TORIFUNE on her own. This excursion proceeds largely without incident. The warmth and natural beauty of TORIFUNE's ecosystem leaves Merry in a state of euphoria. Shielded from the cold, uncaring primordial chaos of outer space, colorful, peaceful wildlife have made the ever-growing foliage of TORIFUNE their home.
There are two in-universe explanations for how this satellite became a safe haven. The science-based explanation is that the crew was able to successfully maneuver the satellite to a Lagrange point between the Earth and its moon. The faith-based explanation is that TORIFUNE is protected by its namesake, Ame-no-Torifune, who has a shrine dedicated to them on site that got prayed to for safe travel through space.
Renko and Maribel's joint visit up to TORIFUNE has a markedly different tone. Instead of an idyllic romp through nature, the couple are subjected to a thrilling run in with a chimera that has been attributed as a reason to why the satellite was abandoned in the first place.[6] Their initial excitement at discovering a new lifeform dissipates when the creature attacks and injures Merry.
Dr. Latency's Freak Report
"You're the one who said you wanted to make a book together, right, Merry?"
"Well, yes.
Writing it all out is just so tiring, though..."
"Work that's not tiring isn't enjoyable at all.
There's no dystopia more dull than a world where everything works out just how everyone wants it."
In our present world, Merry's injuries as described in the story would be treated at an Urgent Care and she would be subsequently given the luxury to tend to her wounds at home. Neo-traditionalism of Japan reveals that upon explaining herself to the medical personnel, she was instead diagnosed with delirium and to be held indefinitely in a sanitarium.
This is one of the story developments that has stuck with me the most. Merry is established to be a Cassandra-like figure, her real world experiences believed to be delusions not worth entertaining. Historically, nothing has killed my own mood faster than doubt being cast over my abilities, statements, or future.
The rest of Neo-traditionalism of Japan is dedicated to Merry's release from quarantine and her first adventure with Renko upon earning her freedom. The follow-up stories, Dr. Latency's Freak Report and Dateless Bar "Old Adam" are about the lengths Merry is willing to go to tell her own story in her own words.
Dr. Latency's Freak Report concerns Renko and Maribel working on a book compiling the latters' true lived experiences. The main thing I eyemarked on my first time reading through this story are the finer details about the relationship between Renko and Maribel. The partners have created an environment where the two of them can unmask and be themselves in each other's presence. Renko views Merry as a fearless brythonic truth-teller whose story will ferment a revolution, while Merry is overjoyed she gets to spend her time painting a masterpiece with someone who will always be there for her.
The tandem works in perfect harmony as they compile Merry's stories of experiences in worlds beyond into a seamless natural history. I envision that so much love and care was put towards making the text on the page as immersive as possible.[7] The contents of the book describe countless lifetimes worth of experiences in worlds beyond; it is this breadth of content that informs the decision to attribute the book to the pen name "Dr. Latency", who is described as a singular authority on adventures like these.
With the burden of having her story transcribed on paper relieved, the next step for Merry is to be able to profess her story to a public audience under her own name and using her own voice. Her first chance to do this is described in Dateless Bar "Old Adam". Her and Renko have descended upon a speakeasy where the in-house entertainment is the patrons taking turns telling the same ghost stories they did as children. As Merry waits for her turn, she expresses doubt at the authenticity of the stories she is listening in on, eventually internalizing some of that very same doubt. In this bout with self-doubt, Merry psychoanalyzes Renko, wondering how she reached the point of believing all of her accounts. Renko, for her part, is suspending disbelief and enjoying herself, as you should when it's storytime.
It's Merry's turn to get up on stage. As she walks up, the audience develops a curiosity towards what this young woman with an otherworldly aura has in store for them. The confidence with which she presents herself is admirable. Unfortunately, she is interrupted by a man who wants to claim the title of Dr. Latency for himself, unaware that the woman on stage is the true author of the Swallowstone Naturalis Historia. Renko, on stage alongside her partner, chimes in. Not only is she helping save face here, she is setting up a seamless transition to the next part of the show.
Renko hands Merry a mirror. With her restored confidence, Merry steps down and holds that mirror up to each member of the audience personally. She is now consciously using her boundary powers to display each individual audience members' visions of worlds beyond, whether they be favorite scenes from Swallowstone Naturalis Historia or a unique personal experience they claimed to have. It was a huge hit with the audience, who got to liberate their feelings from their chests.
Renko and Maribel consider their mission accomplished, and embrace each other.
Processing this sequence of three CDs planted the idea in my mind to read the Hifuu club stories, more specifically Maribel's character arc, as a trans allegory. The euphoric highs of visiting other worlds are written off as delusions and subsequently taken away from her for a while.[8] This low point has kindled within her an obsession to tell her story on her own terms, with no interjections from anyone who denies that she is who she says she is. This story first gets told in writing under an alias, though she eventually gains the courage to find her own voice and address the public. While addressing the public, Merry is able to block out a vocal hater and remain confident. Audience members who have never knowingly engaged with someone like her before leave the show with a fresh perspective. All the while, Renko is there to offer her unconditional support.
This realization predates the realization that I myself was trans by a year or so. Strangely, it feels like self fulfilling prophecy in a way. The first places I came out in were Discord servers for local fighting game scenes, where I recieved overwhelming support. Coming out to people in my real life with hands that feed me has been a different story. For example, I have seen people reinvent Bridget denialism from first principles as their reaction to me coming out to them.[9] I hope one day to link up with someone who has wholeheartedly accepted me for who I say I am, and have them do a photoshoot of me waving around a big trans pride flag in a euphoric outfit and foundation, and then post the results to any platform where I don't go under an alias.
Taboo Japan Disentanglement
Surely, up until just a moment ago a loud clamor could be heard.
The song of birds, the sound of the wind, and the rustling of the leaves on the trees had ceased.
She closed her eyes and saw a vast land glittering gold.
Across the emptiness, an enormous number of mysterious doors had appeared.
She saw the form of Maribel Hearn within arm's reach.
When Taboo Japan Disentanglement was initially revealed, the Touhou fandom was told to anticipate a major turning point in Renko and Maribel's stories. What did that mean? Would the Yukaribel believers be vindicated?[10] Would the yuri become doomed in some other way? Was this whole promise a red herring?
The story begins with showing us that Renko and Maribel have spent some time apart from each other as they pursue their material life goals. Merry has finally moved into her own home and is busy getting the hang of the whole "adulting" thing. Real world obligations bore her, so she does what anyone else in her position would do: vacation planning. Specifically, she wishes to go to Tanabatazaka, where at the tenth hour on the day of Tanabata, a door to an otherworld will open.
Merry will have to embark on this journey alone, as Renko has been busy putting the finishing touches on her unified physics degree; so proud of her thesis that she aims to take it on tour. While the Hifuu club is not actively engaging in their pursuit of exploring other worlds together, the two of them look to maintain some form of contact with each other. Renko mails her handwritten manuscript to Merry, which only serves to make Merry yearn even more for the call to adventure. Merry, through relentlessly annotating and criticizing Renko's attempt at using classical quantum mechanics to explain the boundaries she can observe with her own five senses, has found an outlet for relieving her pent-up stress ahead of her big solo adventure.
Tanabata at Tanabatazaka. Maribel arrives bright and early, eagerly awaiting to see what happens when the clock strikes ten. In the minutes leading up to the fateful hour, she braves elements of all seasons at once while experiencing all emotions at once on the inside. The door she hoped for appears. It opens. Silence.
Maribel's disappearance leaves a silence that deafens Renko. As Renko's concern grows, she makes the trek to and ransacks Merry's house looking for anything that could be a lede. In addition to her own annotated manuscript, Renko finds that Merry forgot the itinerary for her trip at home. She walks a solitary road through Hitachi Province to her destination.
As fearful as Renko is for Maribel's safety in this moment, the audience is perhaps far more concerned. We recognize the world that Merry finds herself trapped in as the Land of the Backdoor, one of the most hostile environments in the Touhou cosmology. All life and mental energy the network of backdoors has access to becomes the plaything of one Okina Matara.[11] There is no awe to be struck, only the sounds of a door locking and the bitting of its key being sanded off.
The ball is in Renko's court to find a way to enter a backdoor and save Maribel. Inspired by the fact that Merry got thrust into a backdoor by violating the titular taboo of Tanabatazaka, Renko decides to commit a more general cultural taboo by knocking over a jizo statue. Fortunately, it works and a backdoor just large enough for Renko to thrust her arm through appears on the statue. Through the power of her love for and faith in Maribel, Renko is able to experience euphoria herself, triumph over the dreariness of the Land of the Backdoor, and save Maribel.
Their reunion is pure catharsis. Merry is having difficulties processing everything that's going on around her. She has no idea of the true scope of the danger she was in, or how monumental a feat it was for Renko to bend reality to save her through sheer force of will. Merry, either oblivious to or deflecting from the gravity of the situation, wants to discuss the practical matter of Renko's thesis.
Through their reconciliation, peace is paved.
I consider the promise of a major turning point kept, not just in terms of the plot developments of the Hifuu club's story, but in how I viewed my relation to them. I began to project myself onto the life Maribel Hearn had been living. At first, this projection was dull and hazy, but when I welded it to the idea that Maribel's character arc was a trans allegory, things became crystal clear.
Merry could not recognize that she was trapped in the Land of the Backdoor until after Renko completed her Orphean rescue. Evem after Renko explained that part, the two of them do not know what the reader knows; that their fates were entirely in the hands of a hidden god. Similarly, I had no idea that what I was observing as wrong about me were manifestations of gender dysphoria until long after male puberty did its damage.
The climax of Taboo Japan Disentanglement illustrates that Maribel has found salvation thanks to Renko. Renko has literally shown the audience that one's helping hand can reach out and touch many more. Upon reaching the end of the story for the first time, I was ready to let it all out.
The reason for these tears was that I had internalized the fact that Maribel's story is my story. This begged the question: who (or what) is my Renko? What if the role of Renko wasn't played by an individual, but by community? I wholeheartedly accepted this framing. I do not credit an individual person or experience as "cracking my egg". Instead, I prefer to say that my egg was allowed to "hatch" with the help of being part of a cohort with more progressive views regarding gender and sexuality than those that came before serving as the "incubator".